People from the UK often ask me about coming to New Zealand for holidays, and I try to put them off, because they'd only want to stay at my house and drink my beer. Here are some quick tips for visitors considering coming to New Zealand.
This handy map shows you the location of common destinations in New Zealand, and how they should be pronounced. I done drew it myself.
- "WH" is pronounced "F", because prudish Victorians didn't want to send home post cards from Fuckatane. So, for example, the word "who" is pronounced as "foo", and "where" is pronounced as "fere".
- If in doubt, pronounce all vowels as if they are a "U" and you will probably be understood, e.g. "roast lumb" or "fush und chups.
- "Subaru" is pronounced slightly differently as "Subaru" in New Zealand
Many words in New Zealandese are the same as in English, but there are a few "false friends":
- Manchester: In the UK it's a place in Scotland. In NZ, it's bedding.
- Tip Top: In the UK it's condensed milk. In NZ, it's awesome mass produced ice cream.
- Marmite: In the UK it's a horrible yeast extract. In NZ, it's a different horrible yeast extract.
- Bach: in the UK it's a famous composer. In NZ, it's pronounced "batch" and is a holiday home.
The Prime Minister of New Zealand hates New Zealand so much, he actually lives in Hawaii. The voters hate him so much, they keep electing him, so he has to keep coming back to New Zealand.