Agitprop

Uninspired by this piece of propoganda by the National Party:

I done this agitprop:

It's only 2 weeks too late to be topical.

Plot for an episode of a police procedural

• Someone gunned down in the street by a clown, during a parade of some kind
• Suspect arrested in street, dressed as a clown, but no Gun shot residue or gun can be found.
• Turns out that assassin used a big rubber glove like what farmers use for inseminating cows:

• And a 3D printed gun:

• And a bunch of helium balloons:

• After popping a cap in victims ass, the clown pulls the glove inside out with gun still inside, ties it to balloons and lets go.
• The evidence gets caught in a tree/antenna/something off-camera, so that heroes can solve the crime, whilst still making people scared of clowns, artificial insemination of cows and 3D printers
• Motive was something to do with clown videos on Youtube, to make episode even more disturbing

Come on, it’s got to be worth an episode of Psych, Castle or Murder She Wrote, at least?

Emergency Questions to Ask on a First Date

Several of you have asked via email for help filling the awkward pauses during "dates" so here are some emergency questions to ask when the conversation dries up.

I recommend printing these on your best card-stock  putting them in little sparkly envelopes and placing them in a pile in the middle of the table for emergency pauses:

• Which one of the Avengers is your favourite?
• Good one this, as your new friend can reveal if they prefer shit american superhero films, or the original The Avengers with proper John Steed and Emma Peel, or The New Avengers with Gareth Hunt
• Which one of the Wombles is your favourite?
• Obviously, it's Orinoco or GTFO
• Which one of the Wiggles is your favourite?
• A good question to weed out Australians
• You’re in a desert walking along in the sand when all of the sudden you look down, and you see a tortoise, crawling toward you. You reach down, you flip the tortoise over on its back. The tortoise lays on its back, its belly baking in the hot sun, beating its legs trying to turn itself over, but it can’t, not without your help. But you’re not helping. Why is that?
• A good question filtering out Replicants
• Have you ever touched a monkey?
• Everyone has a funny monkey story; this will break the ice
• How many cats do you own?
• How many is too many or not enough? You decide.
• Do you mind if I go to the toilet and take massive drugs?
• Breaks the ice. Also you can escape through the toilet window if it is going badly. Don't forget to take the cards with you.
• Can I borrow $100?
• No point dating a miser, is there?
• Babylon 5, Star Wars, Star Trek or Farscape?
• Trick question: correct answer is Doctor Who.
• Who did you vote for at the last election?
• Filter out swivel-eyed loons.

Try these ones out, and don't forget to let me know how it goes - keep me updated in the comments down below!

The Local Free Ads (continued)

The editor of my local paper replied as follows:

I don't have the heart to waste any more of his time as he is probably busy scooping stories about pensioners not liking progress and local kids doing a sport slightly better than some other local kids.

Otherwise, I'd have submitted this:

As my maths teacher used to remind me; it's my own time I'm wasting.

The Local Free Ads

I doubt they'll print this, so I'm sharing it here.

The good old days

This from the New Zealand Herald today.



How amusing! Labourers having to wait outside the gates at 6am waiting to find out if they can afford to feed their kids that day! And they got fired because the manager didn't like their names!

Ah, the good old days, when staff knew their place, and management was capricious!

In my opinion, Wayne Scott of Newlands is probably an idiotic fascist.

For my sanity, I really should stop reading the letters page of the Dominion Post.



These twats who complain about socialism: I wonder how they get around? Do they pay for their own roads to be built? Who educated them? Who educates their children? Who educates their employees?

I find it amusing when idiots like Wayne Scott of Newlands try to use "socialist" as an insult. It is a badge I wear with pride. The alternative is subservience to rich people and hoping they don't fuck you over too hard this time (clue: based on history, they will).

Also, I noticed his name sounds like "wainscot": would be appropriate if he was as thick as a plank, eh?

Yet another NZ idiot who doesn't understand "Innocent Until Proven Guilty"

"A crime has clearly been committed" is not the same as "The police have framed the right person". FFS.

I think humanity just jumped the shark.

I think humanity just jumped the shark:

http://www.amazon.com/Dettol-No-Touch-Automatic-Soap-Dispenser/dp/B0070X1MRA

Seriously, our monkey ancestors came down from the trees for this?

My favourite Easter joke, on a T-shirt

is this:

"What a way to spend Easter"; the best Easter joke ever. Best told with arms outstretched.

But you can't really walk around wearing that on a T-shirt, now, can you? Because as we all know, all religious people have no sense of humour and overdeveloped "being offended" glands.

So, how about this design for those in the know?