Films That Completely Miss The Point of the Book #1

To Have and Have Not (1944) - Humphrey Bogart and Lauren Bacall sizzle as a couple who miss the entire plot and point of the original Hemingway book, apart from having a fishing boat and an alcoholic buddy.

Also featuring the world's worst ever on-screen attempt at limping. It's not that hard Eddy! You just need to put a stone in your shoe, not stumble around like John Cleese in the Ministry of Funny Walks sketch.

Meditations on being stuck in long pointless meetings

I'm writing this from the comfort of a meeting room, listening to a end of financial year "Town Hall" meeting with my colleagues. It's called a "Town Hall" meeting because it is many ways like a meeting at a town hall, except we aren't all in a hall together, and we don't all live in the same town. And it's not really a meeting. It's more of a telephone broadcast where someone talks at us for 1.5hrs. More like a "Village Idiot" meeting. There are 10 of us in the room, so it is using up 15 hours of work effort, or 2 full man-days. It is boring, hence why I started writing this. While I'm in these meetings I like to think about something else.

Today, I'm thinking about Battlestar Galactica (or BSG for those in the know).

I recently watched all 4 series in a short space of time, by watching them on the commuter train in the morning and evening.

I thought that overall it was good, but was too long. There are a lot of "padding" episodes to make it out to 80-odd 40-minute shows. To be honest, you could probably only watch the first half of season 1, the "previously on BSG" bits from the start of the other episodes, and then the last half of season 4, and still get it.

The space fighting is brilliant, and pays no regard to reality (explosions in space don't make noise, you can't "fly" in space, etc), and in that way it is like Star Wars instead of Babylon 5. I want a Viper space fighter of my own for Christmas, that I can sit in, and it flies in space and everything, but I doubt I'll get it. Maybe I'll have to settle for a sew-on Viper badge for my anorak.

The last episodes, and especially the last 10 minutes of the final episode, were very good though, but I can't say anything much without spoiling it. I've watched the last 10 minutes a few times now, and it really does leave you on a high. I may even start to like Jimmy Hendrix music now.

I also watched the new BSG film "The Plan", which to doesn't really add anything to the plot arc at all, but ties in nicely. I wouldn't bother watching that again though.

Jesus, on the conference call, they are talking about doing something really idiotic, that if I explained it would expose who I work for. Rest assured it is really dumb idea. I can't wait to resign from this corporate insane asylum.

So, back to other stuff I'm watching...

At the moment, in the inter-Lost-season lull, I'm watching FlashForward, which is like a lame version of Lost, that doesn't have to be filmed in Hawaii, and uses some of the same actors. It's set in a world where everyone gets to see two minutes of what will happen to them in 6 months time. Apparently some baddies made this event happen, and will try to kill a load of people in 6 months' time. The plot mainly revolves around angst about whether people still have free will, or have pre-ordained destinies that they can't break out of.

It is up to episode 9, and not enough stuff is happening. They need more explosions and stuff. Two of the characters are recovering alcoholics, which adds more pointless angst. I will continue to watch it to the end of season 1, and then expect a disappointing cliffhanger ending, at which point I will stop watching.

On the train this morning there was a man sitting opposite me who looked like a cartoon stereotype of a Telegraph reader. Later, he got his newspaper out, and it was the Daily Telegraph. The ones that really scare me are the people who look like "senior management in the City" types, who read the Daily Mail. It makes me want to weep, it really does.

Man, I hate American accents. The 4th american in a row is talking and their accents make me want to scream. Why can't they talk like normal people?

I'm trying some new chewing gum today called "Trident Fresh Oooh Peppermint". It comes in little blister packs like medicine pills, and when you chew it, a runny liquid flavour escapes from the middle of the piece of gum, which is nice. It chews nicely and tastes nice. I recommend it. I prefer gum in the blister packs as you can leave it in your bag or jacket pocket for months without it going soft. I often forget about part used packets of gum, and always feel wasteful when I have to throw it out.

For fuck's sake, they are still talking. I wish I could switch my ears off, or had an MP3 player built into my ears or something. I'd listen to some nice calming Lemon Jelly or maybe an audio book, something like the "Our Mutual Friend" that they are playing on the radio at the moment.

I once did a red wee wee, but luckily before I phoned the ambulance I realised I had eaten lots of beetroot the night before.

I've just decided that the next two acronyms I define at work will somehow be contrived to be named as DAM and BLAST. I'd like to hear people in the office saying "dam and blast" all day long. It would make me giggle. I'd also like to reintroduce the phrase "toodle pip" into common conversational currency.

Well, this post is turning out a bit "stream of consciousness" now isn't it? Although I don't think of it as a stream. More like a rubbish strewn gully in a shanty town, filled with faeces, flies and rotting carcasses of feral dogs.

"All the ducks are swimming in the water, falderalderalderaldo, falderalderalderaldo..." I really like that song. Lemon Jelly are exactly what I need right now. I can't wait to get back to my desk and my MP3 player.

I hate people who use the word "cogniscent" when they mean "understand".

The next speaker is on. He has an English accent, which is much better, even if it is a bit too posh. It is like Aloe Vera soothing my damaged eardrums compared to those damned colonial rebels and their whining. I'm looking forward to moving to New Zealand, as the kiwi accent is really nice. I'm worried I'll sound too posh though. I'll have to lose my English accent quickly. I'm sure I can do that. I once picked up a scottish accent after talking to a customer in Edinburgh for one and half hours. I also came back from America with a bit of an Australian accent once, too.

I've just pulled a chest muscle with an excessively noisy sneeze. At least it woke the other people in this room up, and they acknowledged my existence with polite "bless yous" so I know I'm not dead or in hell or anything.

The other bad thing about Town Hall meetings is the bit at the end where people can ask questions. No-one ever has any useful questions, but there are always some ernest suck-ups who ask easy questions, just so that everyone else in the world can hear their geeky little voices for "visibility" in the annual review process. They ought to have their names noted down and made redundant in the next wave. If they have time to ask questions, they don't have enough work to do (or blog posts to write).

Ooh, ooh, my project is getting a name check. The people I work with are all unduly excited about that. More "visibility". How sad.

From where I am sitting, I can see 5 wall clocks around the office. They are all showing different times.

I've just noticed that the walls in this office are padded. That must be to stop us killing ourselves by banging our heads against the walls. We'd have to use one of the fire extinguishers instead.

Do albino badgers exist?

Damn, two people left. They had strategically booked other meetings, so they could get out of this one.

People are looking at me now, wondering why I'm writing so much, and what about. It's about you freaks, it's about you. And me and what I think, mainly.

Corporate art. I'd rather have a pay rise than look at overpriced modern art on the walls. Buy some posters if you want to brighten the place up. I wonder how much that picture would fetch on eBay?

No natural light makes this office even more depressing than usual.

I don't like many breakfast cereals enough to want a whole bowl of one product. Why don't they make a cereal assortment? A few cornflakes, bran flakes, cheerios, rice crispies and some muesli, all mixed up. That would be nicer.

Meeting's finishing at last. Yay!

Toodle pip, Shak fans. Til the next time.

Finally going to bed.

Had to stay up till midnight to turn the microwave back on.

I've never figured out the proper way to set the clock on it.

Paper Scissors

"What are your movements tomorrow?"

A real question one of my colleagues just asked another colleague.

Is it just me, or does that question deserve a scatalogical answer?

Sad life goal achieved

Yesterday I walked past to Fortnum and Mason in London. I've walked past it dozens of times during my years working in London, but knowing that I'll be leaving the UK in the next two months focused my mind.

I've always wanted to go in, but am usually too busy; from somewhere I have this impression that it is a wonderful emporium where English gentlemen used to stock up on provisions before setting off to conquer another country. What more appropriate time for me to visit?

So, for the first time ever, I actually went in, and I enjoyed watching foreigners looking at the marvellously packaged foods. Everything is hideously overpriced (cake = £25!) , but is packaged and marketed in a way that makes you want it all. The tins! The jars! The wooden boxes! All crying out to be bought, taken home, and coveted. The high wooden shelves and drawers in the store also make it feel like a proper old-fashioned shop.

I watched a weary-looking member of staff talk a forrin through the "correct" English way to make tea (he was wrong by the way; he didn't mention PG Tips, forgot to put the milk in first and didn't mention dunking Malted Milk biscuits).

I loved the shop. If I ever win the lottery, I'll be going back to stock up on absolutely everything.

And, dear reader, I bought an overpriced tin of coffee, purely because the tin looked so cool, and I want to have it on the kitchen shelf in New Zealand, to make me feel like part of the Empire, rather than a dirty scrounging immigrant.

I don't usually get a buzz off buying new things, but for some reason, this tin of coffee cheers me up every time I see it in the kitchen.

Is there anywhere nearby that you keep meaning to visit, but keep putting off?

Things I miss

I used to work on a VAX/VMS system.

It had a great feature where everytime you updated a file, it would save it again with the same name but a different version number. If you f****ked up you could just delete the most recent version and revert back to an old copy. And when you'd finished you could "purge" all the old versions and just leave the latest copy.

I just f****ked someting up in MS Word.

Aaargh.

Come back yellowing amber-screen VT100, all is forgiven.